While I'll always encourage people with a thorough understanding of the characters to write smut, I do have a few criticisms.
1. Use apostrophes. 2. Use quotes to mark your dialogue. 3. Aim for more realistic dialogue.
The third is a bit more intangible.... some of your dialogue is a touch unwieldy. Your Integra, Alucard, and Seras don't talk like I imagine people really talking. While what they're saying is generally in character, you elaborate it to the point where it drowns in its own content.
It may sound strange to do this for smut, but you might want to try reading your dialogue out loud to see how pleasing it is to the ear. Right now it sounds stilted, like you've handed them a script and they're reading from it. Even in a PWP, that's not desirable.
But as I know your age, I can't fault you too much. This is certainly loads better than what I'm come to expect from your age group, and I'll keep reading.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2004-10-30 02:42 pm (UTC)While I'll always encourage people with a thorough understanding of the characters to write smut, I do have a few criticisms.
1. Use apostrophes.
2. Use quotes to mark your dialogue.
3. Aim for more realistic dialogue.
The third is a bit more intangible.... some of your dialogue is a touch unwieldy. Your Integra, Alucard, and Seras don't talk like I imagine people really talking. While what they're saying is generally in character, you elaborate it to the point where it drowns in its own content.
It may sound strange to do this for smut, but you might want to try reading your dialogue out loud to see how pleasing it is to the ear. Right now it sounds stilted, like you've handed them a script and they're reading from it. Even in a PWP, that's not desirable.
But as I know your age, I can't fault you too much. This is certainly loads better than what I'm come to expect from your age group, and I'll keep reading.